A “euphemism” is the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that might suggest something more bluntly or offend others, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. To say, for example, “He doesn’t have all his marbles,” is regarded as gentler than saying “He is stark raving insane.”

The Mighty Dysphemism

The opposite of a euphemism is a “dysphemism.” A dysphemism is a word or phrase that is more offensive, blunt, or harsh than the word or phrase which it is replacing. For example, instead of stating that the Manhattan District Attorney is “cognitively challenged,” you refer to him instead as a “total partisan whack job.”

For your amusement, at the least, here are eight dysphemism followed by the kinder, gentler, or at least more definitive terminology of what is being said:

“Biting off more than you can chew” – Orally extracting an amount of edible matter that exceeds what one is comfortably able to masticate.

“That’s a load of B.S.” – Your assertion reminds one of bovine excretion.

“Sh__faced” – Bearing an expression that one normally associates with the act of removing solid waste from the body.

“Can’t tell your ass from your elbow” – Unable to differentiate between your dorsal side orifice and the joint connecting your forearm and upper arm.

“Stepping in a pile of crap” – A pedestrian venture into an accumulation of animal or human waste.

“Go F-yourself” – Engage in the act of physical consummation with yourself.

“Up to your eyeballs in crap” – Finding yourself surrounded at the visual level by unpleasantly aromatic organic waste.

“Carnal knowledge” – Having a close encounter with another, free of garments and other impediments, leading to direct tactile stimulation.

A True Time Saver

Thank goodness for dysphemisms. In a most fundamental way, they are true time-savers. Without them, we’d be groping for tedious phrasing all day long. “Up your nose with a rubber hose,” if you don’t “catch my drift.”

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Here is my creation, Nobody Gets Enough Rest, based on the theme of Nobody Does It Better, original music by Marvin Hamlisch, with lyrics by Carol Bayer Sager, and sung by Carly Simon:

Nobody Gets Enough Rest
by Jeff Davidson © 2023

Nobody gets enough rest,
no one gets all that they need.
Too many people gyp their sleep time:
When it comes to rest… they’re in neeeeeed…

I wasn’t looking
but somehow they found me,
all of the things that lengthen my day aaaaaaaaay.
Like the TV above me
and the friends who love me,
up all night so we can play aaaaaaaaay.

Nobody gets enough rest,
no one gets all that they need.
Nobody takes enough naps, aaaand
sure enough, we’re all in nee ee ee eeed.

Nobody gets enough rest,
no one sleeps all that they need.
Yet people come to work like its
some kind of brea ee ee ee ee eeze.

The way that it’s going, all day-long going
there’s got to be some kind of pau au au au ause,
That keeps us from running,
all 24 hours, disobeying nature’s basic law aw aw aw aw.

Nobody gets enough rest,
no one gets all that they need.
Too many people gyp their sleep time:
When it comes to rest… they’re in nee ee eed…

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