SATIRE ALERT

I’ve had a change of heart after listening to President Biden the other night. He really made me think it through and I have come to some new conclusions…

I too am sick and tired of you MAGA Republicans. You guys are all semi-fascists. Not “full” fascist, but you know, semi-fascist. I mean just look at you people. Look at what you want to do. As Joe said last night, “the MAGA Republicans represent an extremism that threatens the very foundations of our republic.” So there! The entire country could literally DIE because of your ideas!

Fascism is “characterized by a dictatorial leader, centralized autocracy, militarism, forcible suppression of opposition, belief in a natural social hierarchy, subordination of individual interests for the perceived good of the nation and race, and strong regimentation of society and the economy.” I know it sounds like Democrats but it isn’t. Don’t look behind the curtain.

It’s time to be done with you MAGA people. I mean just LOOK at what you support:

You and your “love all people based on their character and merit rather than the color of their skin” baloney. How can we divide people into manageable voting blocks without getting people separated by skin color or how they have sex and with whom? And pronouns. Get with the program, or are you just too dumb to figure it all out? Of course a single person can be “they.” Language is a social construct, idiots.

You and your ilk telling everyone we should be able to “speak freely.” BS! Keep your mouths shut, crazies. Words are violence!

You and the whole “energy independence” sham. What a crock. We should rely on countries that hate us to sell us energy, even though we could produce it on our own. That just makes sense. If you can’t figure that out, well, you are too far gone. No amount of nonsense will make sense to you.

Look at you puritanical mobsters, with your “six year old boys shouldn’t be allowed to transition to little girls.” Who are you to tell a ten year old girl she can’t have her uterus removed? Her body, her choice.

Strong military? Hogwash, you power-mongers! It’s a new world order where we will be taking directions from the Chinese Communist Party, thank you very much. It’s THEIR turn to lead. You think they gave the Biden family $30,000,000 for nothing? Sheesh, you just don’t know how the world works, do you?

Oh, and the idea that you want to protect life? Give me a break. Just because it has a heartbeat, arms, legs, a head, a brain, a fully formed body, blah, blah, blah, does not mean its a baby. SCIENCE!

Keeping inflation in check? Gas prices too high? Get an electric car, you cavemen. Groceries too high? Eat some celery.

Prosecute and imprison violent offenders? Keep it to yourselves, racists! These people DESERVE a 14th chance.

Oh and you want us to honor the flag? No way, imperialist scumbags. It’s not like the flag represents the greatest country ever, one that has helped countries all over the world with aid and military protection. Not like America has been the line between freedom and communist world domination or anything.

Freedom of religion? Not on our watch, fanatics. Power is our God. The Golden Rule? He who has the gold, makes the rules.

The right to bear arms? Yeah, you and every other terrorist. The founders had MUSKETS, so there. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it (Don’t actually, tobacco products are harmful to your health).

Follow the Constitution? It’s 2022, you backwoods imbeciles.

You want to just be left alone? Not on our watch. Not to sound arrogant, but we went to Harvard and Yale, and well, frankly, we’re just smarter than you. We took feminist art studies. What did you take? Accounting? We are the enlightened. It is a new world and we’ll let you know what’s acceptable from now on.

No, President Biden is right. You are a threat to democracy. I mean, really you’re not, but in order to bring down democracy we have to scare the living hell out of most Americans with an enemy we can pin the blame on. But who cares, it’s all in the name of fundamentally transforming America. Take that, you insurrectionist, threat to democracy, semi-fascists. It’s you. YOU are the target now. We will use the FBI, Homeland Security, anything we need to to make sure you can’t spread your crazy ideas.

I’m not going to stand with you freedom-loving fascists anymore. No, I’m throwing in with the kind and loving Democrats. They are far superior to you half-wits. Because they care so much for us they will tell us exactly how to believe, and how to live, and we will like it… or else.

There is a sign outside of Needville Feed that reads: “Has anyone tried unplugging the United States and plugging it back in?” Let the painful laughter ensue! It’s confession time. How many times have you been unable to figure things out on your computer and just decided to start over by rebooting in hopes of a new beginning. Sure, no one wants to lose the current good work, so you save what you can and hope for the best.

But America does need a reboot? Something is not right with America today. Some are working to get the 34 states needed to convene a National Constitutional Convention. Others are clamoring for term limits for all politicians. Unfortunately, every radical answer unleashes radical fears that such plans could create more problems than viable solutions. We seem stuck in stupid!

They want clean energy with wind and solar while they work to shut down natural gas and nuclear energy, two clean energy sources. Due to our clean energy efforts, our coal and oil resources are cleanest in the world. But they want to buy oil from questionable countries while limiting production here. Does it make sense to move from energy independence to energy dependence before we have proven clean energy alternatives that can supply the energy we need? Of course not! We’re stuck on stupid. Time to reboot expanded energy options to reclaim energy independence!

How can you have true freedom of speech and not occasionally offend someone along the way? The answer to hateful or offensive speech, is more speech and thicker skin. People throw around the term “snowflakes” for people who want freedom for themselves but can’t handle that freedom for those who would attack their own views. Freedom is messy. Freedom is loud. Let people say what they want and experience the consequences for their comments. If you offend enough people, don’t expect to win many votes or popularity polls! It’s time to reboot freedom of speech for all!

I always thought that government was established to protect their citizens from enemies and from criminals. Why are people buying guns? Citizens want weapons to protect themselves. They are seeing far too many criminals let go without being prosecuted or punished. Government wants to take guns away from citizens, and everyone knows that criminals will keep theirs! In America today, crime seems to pay pretty well for the growing number of flash mobs, carjackers, and rioters taking what they want! Few big city DAs are doing their jobs. If you riot in the streets, rob small businesses, and attack bystanders, you should go to jail and serve time! We’re stuck on stupid! It’s time to unplug and reboot America’s law and order program!

Immigration has made America a better country, a melting pot of people who value freedom and the opportunity to earn their own dream. But people playing by the rules to immigrate to America keep waiting and never get the welcome illegal aliens receive by just crashing our Southern borders. By not having a secure border, we are advertising for more illegals to come. The Biden administration will provide transportation, let you have benefits, and work to get you housing and an eventual path to citizenship. Why immigrate legally, when doing so illegally works so well? Time to reboot. Time to finish the wall and secure our Southern border!

Martin Luther King, Jr. paid the price and rallied the country around a dream that one’s character would mean more than the color of a one’s skin. And yet today, calls for racism are encouraged. To many, you’re celebrated for saying that all whites are racist. Many blacks call for special reparations for the racism of a distant past. There is one sure result of such calls for special racial treatment-renewed racism! Reverend King would have surely affirmed that “All God’s children matter!” Under democratic leadership, America is backsliding into more racial animus. It’s time for a reboot. It’s time to reaffirm that “All men are created equal” is a value and a promise worth fighting for.

Personal responsibility for one’s choices is a critical American value. If you commit a crime, you do the time. You borrow money for something you want, you pay your debt. President Biden executive order to “forgive” student debt is not “free.” That debt isn’t “canceled;” it’s transferred to every tax-paying American. Many of those taxpayers have already worked and sacrificed to pay off their own student debt. This is not only stupid; it is an assault on basic fairness and a blatant attempt to buy votes. Reboot required! Reinstall personal responsibility programming!

In a recent interview on Jesse Watters’ Fox News show, Victor Davis Hanson of the Hoover Institution confronted the extreme actions of the left in transforming America. They are attacking and overthrowing America’s time-tested values.

To Hanson, the left is governing exactly the way they accuse the right of acting: “I mean, nobody on the right said let’s junk the 233-year-old Electoral College; [the] 180-year-old filibuster; the 150-year-old, nine-person Supreme Court. Nobody [on the right] said let’s bring in two more states and end the idea for 60 years of a 50-state union.”

It’s only left that has no problem stalling protection for right-leaning Supreme Court Justices facing demonstrations outside their homes. It’s the left that wants to radically federalize the voting laws to ensure that 70 percent of the votes would not be cast on Election Day. It’s the left that has radically weaponized the IRS with excessive increases in personnel and funding. The left calls January 6th an insurrection, but as Hanson notes: “Remember in 2021 when they had barbed wire and 30,000 troops in Washington, D.C. in the greatest weaponization since the Civil War?” Do you remember?

When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in government entitlement programs that take from your neighbor to give you the things you ought to be forced to earn for yourself. It’s time to unplug this radical administration before it is too late. In November, it’s time to reboot by booting out the politicians who have played so loosely with America’s time-tested recipe for freedom and opportunity. It’s time to send the left home!