SATIRE ALERT

I’ve had a change of heart after listening to President Biden the other night. He really made me think it through and I have come to some new conclusions…

I too am sick and tired of you MAGA Republicans. You guys are all semi-fascists. Not “full” fascist, but you know, semi-fascist. I mean just look at you people. Look at what you want to do. As Joe said last night, “the MAGA Republicans represent an extremism that threatens the very foundations of our republic.” So there! The entire country could literally DIE because of your ideas!

Fascism is “characterized by a dictatorial leader, centralized autocracy, militarism, forcible suppression of opposition, belief in a natural social hierarchy, subordination of individual interests for the perceived good of the nation and race, and strong regimentation of society and the economy.” I know it sounds like Democrats but it isn’t. Don’t look behind the curtain.

It’s time to be done with you MAGA people. I mean just LOOK at what you support:

You and your “love all people based on their character and merit rather than the color of their skin” baloney. How can we divide people into manageable voting blocks without getting people separated by skin color or how they have sex and with whom? And pronouns. Get with the program, or are you just too dumb to figure it all out? Of course a single person can be “they.” Language is a social construct, idiots.

You and your ilk telling everyone we should be able to “speak freely.” BS! Keep your mouths shut, crazies. Words are violence!

You and the whole “energy independence” sham. What a crock. We should rely on countries that hate us to sell us energy, even though we could produce it on our own. That just makes sense. If you can’t figure that out, well, you are too far gone. No amount of nonsense will make sense to you.

Look at you puritanical mobsters, with your “six year old boys shouldn’t be allowed to transition to little girls.” Who are you to tell a ten year old girl she can’t have her uterus removed? Her body, her choice.

Strong military? Hogwash, you power-mongers! It’s a new world order where we will be taking directions from the Chinese Communist Party, thank you very much. It’s THEIR turn to lead. You think they gave the Biden family $30,000,000 for nothing? Sheesh, you just don’t know how the world works, do you?

Oh, and the idea that you want to protect life? Give me a break. Just because it has a heartbeat, arms, legs, a head, a brain, a fully formed body, blah, blah, blah, does not mean its a baby. SCIENCE!

Keeping inflation in check? Gas prices too high? Get an electric car, you cavemen. Groceries too high? Eat some celery.

Prosecute and imprison violent offenders? Keep it to yourselves, racists! These people DESERVE a 14th chance.

Oh and you want us to honor the flag? No way, imperialist scumbags. It’s not like the flag represents the greatest country ever, one that has helped countries all over the world with aid and military protection. Not like America has been the line between freedom and communist world domination or anything.

Freedom of religion? Not on our watch, fanatics. Power is our God. The Golden Rule? He who has the gold, makes the rules.

The right to bear arms? Yeah, you and every other terrorist. The founders had MUSKETS, so there. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it (Don’t actually, tobacco products are harmful to your health).

Follow the Constitution? It’s 2022, you backwoods imbeciles.

You want to just be left alone? Not on our watch. Not to sound arrogant, but we went to Harvard and Yale, and well, frankly, we’re just smarter than you. We took feminist art studies. What did you take? Accounting? We are the enlightened. It is a new world and we’ll let you know what’s acceptable from now on.

No, President Biden is right. You are a threat to democracy. I mean, really you’re not, but in order to bring down democracy we have to scare the living hell out of most Americans with an enemy we can pin the blame on. But who cares, it’s all in the name of fundamentally transforming America. Take that, you insurrectionist, threat to democracy, semi-fascists. It’s you. YOU are the target now. We will use the FBI, Homeland Security, anything we need to to make sure you can’t spread your crazy ideas.

I’m not going to stand with you freedom-loving fascists anymore. No, I’m throwing in with the kind and loving Democrats. They are far superior to you half-wits. Because they care so much for us they will tell us exactly how to believe, and how to live, and we will like it… or else.

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